Cognitive Thinking Errors, And How They Impact Communication Within A Relationship
Cognitive thinking errors, or maybe you have heard them called cognitive distortions, are inaccurate thought patterns that can negatively affect communication and thus negatively affect relationships. Thinking errors often lead to conflict, misunderstanding, and communication breakdown.
How Do Cognitive Thinking Errors Create Barriers In Communication
As I work with couples and families, I have come to find several thinking errors that stand in the way of healthy communication within the family system.
Personalization. This is a very common thinking error in where the listener takes a message personally. Don’t take anything personally! What others do or say is not because of you. We all see the world through our own lenses, thus when we take something personally, we are assuming others see the world through our lenses as well.
Assumptions or Mind reading. This occurs when you assume you know what the speaker is thinking or feeling. This happens often during conversations between couples and parent-child.
This might sound like “I already know what you’re going to say or I know what you’re thinking”.
This can be avoided through direct communication on the speakers’ part and clarifying questions on the listeners’ part to ensure understanding of the message.
Filtering. Let’s face it, we all filter information from time to time. With filtering we tend to only focus on the negative aspects of what the speaker is saying, rather than listening for the complete message.
Overgeneralization. This occurs when the listener draws conclusions about the relationship based on past experiences. This can be extremely problematic in couples’ communication.
This might sound like “Last time you said you would take the garbage out you didn’t”.
Relationship pessimism. Happens when we assume that negative experiences from past relationships will be repeated in all relationships. I like to refer to this as carrying baggage from old relationships into current ones.
Why is it important to identify the thinking errors we bring into relationships?
The short answer is, our cognitive distortions can negatively impact communication and therefor negatively impact relationships that are important to us.
Cognitive distortions lead to miscommunication and misinterpretation of information, which often leads to conflict. Distortions can also erode trust within the relationship, as well as fuel negative emotions for both speaker and listener. Distortions can also skew perceptions of reality, which in turn may impact the decision-making process.
Thinking errors occur during communication even with the most effective communicator because after all, we are human. Understanding the errors you personally struggle with can help fine-tune your communication skills and help you become an active listener. Finding a therapist who works with relationship counseling and family dynamics can help you and your family fine-tune communication. Book a consultation today to learn how our therapists can help you.